Well, we’ve decided I’m not elderly and I don’t need a face lift. There are some things I do need.
- A new laptop
- A garden statue
- A Flip video camera ( I still want one)
- A new car
- An HDTV
- A bigger house
I can’t ask the keepers and the wasband for all this stuff. It just wouldn’t be right. I’ll never be able to save for them and I have nothing to sell to get any of these things.
My answer: I need a Sugar Daddy!
Now I could run into some problems with this. In a year I will be close to my goal weight so I, hopefully, won’t look too bad. I can hide the saggy skin. Actually, maybe I should add “remove saggy skin to the list ( just minor surgery) “. In a year I will also be 60, not the usual age of a Sugar Baby. So this means I have to find someone very old so that I will seem young and he probably should be blind.
Of course he will have to be very rich without a family. I don’t want to hassle with his family over the will which I will force him to make once it is understood that I am his Queen.
I also don’t want to live with him, marry him or have sex with him. I know I’m asking a lot here. Basically I just want him to buy me stuff and leave me all his money when his heart gives out from laughing at my jokes.
I will hang out with him. I might even cook him a meal once in a while. Since he’ll be so old I’ll probably only have to make him broth. I won’t spoon feed him. I’ll hire someone for that with his money. I will entertain him when I have time which won’t be often because I will be blogging on my new laptop.
Now, the question that remains is where do I find him? There are many online Sugar Daddy sites but I am sure the Sugar Daddy Men are looking for young hot Sugar Babies.
A SUCCESSFUL MATCH!
I’VE EVEN PICKED OUT AN OUTFIT TO WEAR TO SEDUCE HIM. HOPEFULLY HE WILL BE BLIND AND WON’T HAVE TO SEE IT.
Whatever I think 
Jul 17, 2008 @ 12:46:31
Definitely go for the sugar daddy. What do you have to lose and look how much you would have to gain. Personally, I think it would be worth it just for the laughs and your broth is probably awesome too. Now the other approach too is that you might find a younger sugar daddy – some of those young dudes like them some cougar. It’s quite possibly an untapped market. And if you find one – see if there are any extras laying around you might want to pass on. 😉
Annie
It’s so funny that you should mention cougars. My wasband was telling me how he was at a Casino and there were a lot of cougars. I had no clue as to what he was talking about and he had to explain. I’m kinda likin’ the idea of a young dude but he has to be rich.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 12:49:35
ok let’s look at these things one at a time and see if they are worth it..
laptop…isn’t the one you are on now working? If so..cross it off the list.
camera…I think you take good pictures with what you have….this is not worth having to visit the old guy in the nursing home once a week….CROSS IT OFF THE LIST! Besides..put that on your christmas wish list.
a new car…NO! Don’t do it! We need to boycott the car companies and maybe they would help get this price of gas lowered. (it’s a long shot but it’s there)
a bigger house? NO! There is just more to clean.
and forget the tv..you need to be on here making us laugh you don’t need no stinking tv.
so there you have it. Forget the material things and stay away from the sugar daddy’s..they may be all sweet and yummy when buying you stuff..but they rot in your mouth like an old piece of candy.
…but if you pursue this..see if he has a deaf brother so he won’t hear you say your friend javajunkee is already married 😉
You are too funny. The only thing I am really going to need is the laptop. Mine died quite a while ago and I am using the wasbands computer. I’m just afraid that he will move out at some point and take it with him. What would I do without a computer? I would have to move into the library. They just rebuilt it and it has nice couches so I could even sleep there if they would give me a key.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 13:41:22
OH how those pictures made me laugh! I say, keep on cooking! Cooking could benefit you in some way. A book of some of your best Weight Watchers recipes with your humor thrown in? Catering to folks who want home-cooked Weight Watcher friendly meals but don’t have the time? Hmmmm…I’m leaning towards a JoanHarvest humor filled cookbook. Think about it! Sugar daddies are gross….
You know, I’ve been fooling around with the notion of writing a cookbook for many years. In my town, my father was known as “Stan the Soup Man”. He used to make a pot of homemade vegetarian soup every morning that we would sell for .99 a cup. All the recipes he made up himself. He had about 15 of them. Our customers lined up for soup at lunchtime. Everyone wanted his recipes and most are also weight watcher friendly. Fortunately I wrote all of his recipes down. As I was growing up he did all of the cooking at home. I have lots of stories about him that I could include.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 13:59:51
definitely go for the sugar daddy. But that term makes it all sound so cheap and tawdry. I mean, after all he would have the pleasure of your company–which is surely worth more than a few baubles.
Well then, we need to come up with a new name. I agree “sugar daddy” sounds very tawdry.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 15:29:09
I think if you and Romi teamed up together you could get enough sugar daddies for all of us, even the married ones. That would be cool. Why do without when you don’t have to? LOL. Awesome post.
It’s funny but the whole time I was writing this I kept thinking of Romi.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 16:31:32
You need a young stud.
Young, dumb and full of cum.
With lots of money, of course.
Well, you sure hit the nail on the head. You never beat around the bush. Ha! Ha! Yea, has has to be rich. 😉
Jul 17, 2008 @ 16:47:38
Go for the Sugar Daddy! My mom always told me marry the first time for love and then when you smarten up marry for money! 🙂
I think your mom’s a smart woman.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 17:24:40
I say go for it!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 And I want to talk to you really bad so get that laptop. 😉
Notice the laptop is first on my list.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 17:32:16
LOL
Yeah, go for it. Just make sure he has a brother you can point in this direction…ok?
You could do everything long distance so you wouldn’t even have to meet him. Just have him send you presents and you send him a can of vegetable broth. 😉
Jul 17, 2008 @ 17:34:42
dropofkim may be on to something there! You could totally write a humorous memoir-infused cookbook!
Javajunkee also makes plenty of good points up there. I have to side with “keep on cooking!”
Read my comment to dropofkim. Javajunkee did bring up some good points. It’s such a difficult decision I have before me. 😉
Jul 17, 2008 @ 19:45:05
This post made me laugh and laugh!
Old men and their young gold diggers!
i’m with Red. Get yourself a rich young thang, still awkward and willing to buy your affection or spend to prove he’s a “man” and worth your time!
I’m likin’ the young stud muffin thang more and more. In this case it would be “Old ladies who are not elderly and their young gold diggers” Could even become a reality TV show.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 20:51:20
Joan, when weight watchers begs you for a book deal, and when some tv station realizes how freaking funny you are and gives you your own talk show, you will be able to have all that and more!
You’ll be the sugar Mommy to some young stud! LOL!
I can just see myself on a talk show pointing my cane and whacking all the slackers “Joan the Whacker–takes on a slacker”. I could just have slackers on the show and teach them how to lead productive lives after first making them look like total dumbasses.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 21:02:33
Jeez, nobody told me that William Devane and Bo Derek hooked up! WTF?
Thanks for this funny post Joan! My mom, also named Joan, was waiting for her sugar daddy too. She had a cartoon on her fridge of a girl skeleton in a wedding gown sitting on a bench waiting for Mr. Moneybags.
Your odds are way better than my lotto playing endeavor 🙂
I love your mom’s cartoon but then us Joans stick together. I would love to know who those people are in that picture.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 21:40:04
I saw some Dr Phil show about Sugar Daddies once … apparently there are a fair few of them who actually only want companionship & meals. No sex or living together or anything! So you never know, Joan. You might just be able to find what you’re lookin’ for!!!
That’s what I’m looking for, just a rich companion with a lot of money to blow.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 21:57:10
Heeheehee…I can’t stop laughing about Red’s comment. Yep, Joan…go for the young, dumb, and full of cum. Take it from me…been there, done that! Ha!
That’s why I like you and Red. You both never hold back. You say what you mean and you mean what you say.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 23:06:30
I vote Sugar Daddy—What the heck, or Sugar Momma??
Considering all of your specifications–it really wouldn’t matter either way! 🙂
I am somewhat fussy about this subject. Basically I’ll trade Campbell’s chicken broth for everything on my list.
Jul 17, 2008 @ 23:59:24
Good luck finding a sugar daddy. Hell, Anna Nicole found one and found fame, too!
I just don’t want to end up 6 feet under after all my hard work of finding a rich dude. 😉
Jul 18, 2008 @ 01:52:15
Oh hells ya, get yourself a suga daddy! And, find one with a twin brother for me. Cuz I want… new clothes, new shoes, a new purse, I want a new screened in porch, and lots of other stuff too 🙂
So you have a list too. Since there would be no sex involved your husband probably wouldn’t even care. Find a blind, somewhat deaf one. You could send your husband over with chicken broth when you don’t feel like going yourself. All your husband would have to do is talk in a high voice and pretend to be you
Jul 18, 2008 @ 04:23:54
Did somebody say broth??? 😛 MmmMmm broth. 😉
Now I’m thinking you just want a little of that tall blond in the photos. Or maybe you just like broth a lot.
Jul 18, 2008 @ 11:44:17
I think that you should write to Bill Gates and ask him to be your Sugar Daddy. He’d be too busy to make any demands, and hey, free laptop. Be sure to enclose a picture with your request. With that sexy outfit, you can’t go wrong!
You are hilarious, woman.
Ha! Ha! That outfit would probably blind him. But hey, if I can get a free laptop out of him I’m game.
Jul 18, 2008 @ 13:46:38
If you find a way to score a Sugar Daddy, please give me some tips. I need a Sugar Momma in a bad way.
I will definitely give you tips if I procure a Sugar Daddy.
Jul 19, 2008 @ 00:48:06
if he tries to take the laptop…cane his ass!
I’m going to handcuff myself to it or make him buy me a new one. I have his credit card number. Oh crap, I forgot he reads this. Just kidding Wasband!!
Jul 19, 2008 @ 00:49:59
Ok I wasn’t done talking but this says I already said something…dumbass in the computer let me type!
all I said was if the wasband tries to take the laptop…C*ne his ass! <–it thinks I said that already)
Jul 19, 2008 @ 00:50:56
Ok well apparently the little dude inside the computer monitoring duplicate comments was right..there it is in all its’ glory right above my complaint comment 🙂 Carry on!
That little dude inside the computer is a dumbass. He’s done that to me too.
Aug 06, 2008 @ 22:49:24
Youd be suprised how many guys are sugardaddies without actually realizing it.
Very good point! My 84 year old father was one before he passed away to a 45 year old woman. He had no clue she was taking him for everything he had. The one good thing, she made the last few years of his life very happy.
Nov 21, 2008 @ 20:26:24
So go and get one!! I have had several over the past 5 years and I have not had sex with any of them!! I just use my charm and make them laugh and I get wonderful meals, gifts and of course an allowance! A few hugs and pecks on the cheek help too! 🙂
I just need to find to one that will help me get on the ‘Housewives of New york City’! 🙂
I need to lose more weight and then I might just do that. I like gifts. I could probably only get on the “Old Housewives of NYC”. 😉