Bad Blogger

Yup, that’s me  “Bad Blogger”.  My blogging is going down hill.  I haven’t been leAVING COMMENTS ON MY BLOG AND HAVE HARDLY BEEN WRITING BLOGS.   Crap, I had that stupid caps lock on AGAIN!!!!!  yOU KNOW WHAT/  I’m not even going to fix it. 

I have been reading blogs and not even leaving  comments.   Oh, and you people, my so called friends–why didn’t you remind me  of what I was in for?  I didn’t sign up for this.  All I remember about having babies is how cute they are.

I forgot how much babies cry.  I forgot about mustard yellow poop that runs down their legs and gets on your capris.  I forgot they spit up all over your shirt.  I forgot about burp cloths.  I forgot about the giant diaper bag that goes wherever you go and weighs 50 pounds.  Oh, and those new fangled car seats that are like Transformers.  WTF!!!!!  That damn thing turns into a stroller then it morphs into a swing and I’m afraid to see what it does next.  I hope I’m not home alone when it transforms into a giant high chair that flies.  And that thing you stuff in their mouth to keep them quiet?  What do they call it?  A binky or some such nonsense?  She can spit it out about 20 yards.  And if I don’t run and get it she screams at me until I do.

Sleep?  Do people actually sleep anymore?  I don’t.   Little Lilah has some syndrome or something. She has day and night mixed up.  We take her everywhere during the day..  She’s an angel.  Everyone comments about how quiet she is in restaurants.  I thought babies couldn’t see that well.  Well this baby has 20/20.   She recognizes our house.   She knows when we get home because she starts screaming as soon as we walk through the door and guess what ?    She keeps it up all night. 

Sarah doesn’t mind.  She knocks on my door about midnight and says ” Mom, can you take the baby now?”   I did promise Sarah I would help her so I say  “Yes, dear,  I’ll take your spawn.”  Oh and the baby has figured out how to fart and burp at the same time.  What the hell else has the wasband been teaching her?

I should have password protected this post.  I’ll bet she can read.  I’ll bet she is already planning how she’s going to keep me up all night.   Oh, and here are some photos of her room.  She already has more clothes than me.  She even has a filing cabinet.  It probably contains a list  of her victims.  You know, the ones she is so cute with during the day and then  decides to torture at night.

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This kid has it all planned out.   She knows she is so damn cute and we will do anything for her.  We are such dumbasses– falling for her wily ways.  She’s got us all under her control.  I think I saw her outside the other night casting some spell on us.   I think I saw her holding a wand or maybe it was a little cane.  I don’t know.  Maybe I imagined it all in my sleepless daze.

 

Would you trust this baby?  She’s just biding her time.  Waiting. Waiting until midnight when she can strike again.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. trishatruly
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 08:03:29

    OMG, Joan, I am laughing so hard I almost fell outa my chair!!

    This , my dear, has got to be your best post EVER!

    Well, no one reminded you about how rough it is being around babies because pregnant daughters give off a pheromone or some shit that makes you forget the reality of them as babies so your Grandma hormones start shooting off in little brain clusters and before you know it you think that having a grandchild in your house is a good idea.

    That doesn’t happen so much with grandmas the second go round. Unfortunately, your daughter WILL get the labor pains-colicky baby-amnesia in about a year from now and start believing (falsely) that another child is a necessary addition to that lovely home of yours (ok, and hers.) No amount of talking or reasoning with her will work so be prepared.

    I can just imagine Lilah with a mini cane whacking li’l dumbasses!! LOL

    Keep laughing, Joan. It’s the only way to make it through this with any sanity left at all!!!!

    Reply

  2. mvobsession
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 08:16:44

    Oh god… what a hysterical post. You can tell by the look on Lilah’s face that she’s got something up her sleeve for you.

    Quick, go take a nap while you can🙂

    Reply

  3. laura
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 08:39:32

    Just remember all of this when she’s a teenager. Then you’ll be saying, “Oh I wish she was an innocent little baby again.”

    Reply

  4. JavaQueen
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 09:34:17

    Your description of the stroller being like a transformer had me spit out my drink! She’s so beautiful. I could sit and look at and hold a newborn all night if I got the chance- that’s my favorite stage…. and what laura says too! oh, and Trish the dish too🙂

    Reply

  5. Little Miss
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 10:01:26

    You may not blog as often as you like, but when you do – WATCH OUT! You blow us away. You are hilarious and love, love, love the Transformer analogy. That’s just precious. You are so spot-on about the grandma amnesia. Oh my. It doesn’t get better even after three grandkids, sorry to tell you. I have amnesia that tells me I’d love to have another little one around soon = but lucky for me, that’s not happening.🙂

    Lilah and her baby cane – hilarious!

    Reply

  6. Just a Mom
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 10:02:07

    That is freakin hilarious! Yeppers, little Lilah knows just what she’s doing! I love it!
    I should print this post out and hand it to my 17 year old. This has got to be the cheapest birth control out there!

    Reply

  7. Doraz
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 11:37:27

    Lilah has too many things figured out already. Tell her to slow down! Tell her she needs to enjoy her youth! I am happy you are all enjoying the summer!

    Reply

  8. writer chick
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 12:03:04

    You’re hilarious. And yeah, babies do do all that stuff and have all that stuff and are evil seeds with plans of world domination. It’s the old adage, Joanie – ‘the reason puppies and babies are so cute is because we’d kill them if they weren’t – helps the race continue’

    I was a night baby too. Slept through the day and was all mellow but come night time, I was ready to rawk. I made it, so I have high hopes for Lila. Hang in there – she’ll settle down – in a year or so.😆
    Annie

    Reply

  9. Hannah
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 17:59:12

    This post is brilliant!! I swear, that amnesia thing that makes parents forget all this crap has a LOT to answer for!! Like, every 2nd/3rd/4th child born into every family!😉
    But seriously, I’m sure Lilah will soon get her days & nights round the right way. She is very lucky to have so many “carers” (and can I just point out how lucky Sarah is to have you living there, and willing to help in the middle of the night?! That’s a godsend!)

    As for blogging, here’s my view on the whole thing: Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, blogging is dying a slow death. I don’t even FEEL like blogging that much, I have fewer comments on my posts, I comment less on other people’s blogs, and I read fewer blogs as well! So don’t feel bad. I think it’s a sign of the times!

    Reply

  10. c
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 18:30:41

    Oh my gosh! this cracked me up!
    Babies get away with so much shit because they’re all tiny and stuff. i mean, we keep them around even though they poop their pants. Why? Because they’re little toes look like peas, that’s why.

    i am a terrible blogger. i read blogs and want to comment but i’m lazy. i too am guilty of not replying to those kind enough to leave a few words on my blog because i just don’t have it in me. So much crap is going on i just say thanks to my monitor and hope the vibes of that reach whoever left the comment. So i totally feel you, and join you, on the bad blogger bit. Still, that simply means that when you do post, it’s even more of a treat, yes? 🙂

    But i applaud you on being an awesome Noni!

    Reply

  11. mrssnell
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 20:28:46

    OMG, I’ve been laughing so hard I’m wiping tears from the corners of my eyes reading this post!

    So glad I came to visit your blog tonight. I needed the uplift, and my mom will absolutely die laughing when I show her this post. She had nearly the same reaction as you the first time she became a grammy. I say “nearly” because she was so freakin’ funny in the retelling. LMAO!

    Reply

  12. Anja
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 21:24:55

    Oooo, love that face. Plotting, plotting, plotting.

    This is why you have to be an evil granny and keep rocking for many more years. When Lilah comes home from some drunken college soiree, with a hangover that would kill a wildebeest, then evil granny kicks in. Jump on her bed, wake her up and insist on talking to her about any subject that will make her want to drive a nail through her skull.

    That will teach her for being so gosh darn cute whilst plotting your sleep deprivation.

    Reply

  13. Maureen at IslandRoar
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 21:52:24

    OH, so sorry she has you sleep deprived and wigging out! But you are a riot, so keep writing it down.
    (Sarah’s so lucky, but don’t forget to take care of Grandma too!)

    Reply

  14. sheng
    Jul 17, 2009 @ 00:59:17

    Joanie, to love and be loved as a baby is the best we have ever come to be with other people, we were all so loved, pampered, kissed, and tolerated, now it’s payback time, it’s Lilah’s time, LOL. Ohhhh, she is so cute.

    Reply

  15. Jen512
    Jul 17, 2009 @ 19:58:47

    Hahaha! Oh no, don’t tell me this, we’re trying to have one, and I need to kept in my baby lala-land where everything will be sunshine and roses…not!

    Maybe you should switch it up on her, keep her at home all day, baby, mama and grandma sleep, and then party all night!

    Nah, just kidding, I’m hoping you guys can get her sleep on track soon! And you need breaks too! You can tell your daughter “no” at 12 in the morning.

    Reply

  16. Joy
    Jul 17, 2009 @ 21:43:59

    Oh Joanie….I’m wiping the tears from my eyes and am very, VERY grateful that I had nothing in my mouth or it would be everywhere. I LOVE the car-seat/transformer deal. Can you even stand the way things are now? It takes me forever to figure it out. I do hope you get some sleep though. How do you keep it together? She is a dream that’s for sure. A real little sweetheart. Waving a cane putting a curse on you!!! Now I’m laughing all over….jeesh!

    Blogging has gotten harder for me this summer too. I’m not sure if it’s like Hannah mentioned that we are connected also by Facebook and our farms. I just don’t know. My blog is a year and a half old and I’ve never felt this way. I used to wake up and go through my blogroll first thing in the morning and it’s almost 10 pm and I’m just getting to it. I’ve even just done jokes and a question of the day because my brain is dead on main posts. I hope my blog doesn’t die but my mindset will have to change if I want to keep it up because it’s a whole lot of work.

    Thanks so much for being you and thanks for giving me this great laugh at the end of a long day.

    Reply

  17. museditions
    Jul 18, 2009 @ 02:29:25

    This nearly caused me to have mustard-colored…{never mind!} If you are not voted the bestest gran ever on Martha’s Vineyard, then I suspect vote-tampering!!! It’s good to know Lilah knows her own mind; she’s got a couple of formidable women to deal with there (let alone, the men!). [Hey, this comment is good for ONE NAP at your discretion!]

    Reply

  18. Anonymously Secret
    Jul 19, 2009 @ 00:34:36

    LMAO!!!!!!! JOAN, you are very hilarious!!! I think I’m going to check everyday for more Lilah moments.

    Lilah. Dominating the world with her cuteness.

    Reply

  19. javajunkee
    Jul 19, 2009 @ 08:38:07

    oh yeah those eyes are saying it all! She’s part of a conspiracy against you ever sleeping again🙂

    She’s so cute though what can you do?🙂 Just remember in the blink of an eye she’ll be 21 .😦 sigh…if you ever need a break just send her down here to Iowa!

    Reply

  20. WiddleShamrock
    Jul 19, 2009 @ 16:02:17

    That is so funny, and yes Lilah is definately plotting against you, lol.

    Reply

  21. David
    Jul 21, 2009 @ 06:23:32

    Hee hee! Joan you are just having the funnest time ever with your granddaughter aren’t you? She certainly does have the stern yet wisely compassionate gaze in the carseat photo. What a little cutie.

    You’re not a bad blogger at all. By the time she can read, blogging will have gone the way of bobby socks and Buicks.

    Thanks for the fun post and pix.

    Reply

  22. CuriousC
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 10:44:28

    Thanks for writing just one more hilarious post! From one bad blogger to another, (((virtual hugs)))), -“C”

    Reply

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