In The Blink of an EyE

Do you know how fast a dumbass can make a dumbass move?  You got it:  In the blink of an eye. It makes it very difficult for me to do my self appointed job:  Make videos of dumbasses.   OK, everybody has a hobby.  So what, if my hobby is being a paparazzi of dumbasses.  What dumbasses don’t realize is how funny they are.  I mean if I don’t video them and put them on YouTube someone else will. And I don’t even get paid for it.  I do it for the sheer joy.

The problem that faces me is how to catch them in the act.  In the summer I really just have to go to the beach. I’ll bet you didn’t know but they have meetings there.   The dumbasses all gather in their speedos and beach costumes.

Now before I get into the dumbasses. Check this out.

You can buy this bathing costume for $49.99

bathing costume

Or you can buy this Prada bikini for $180.00.

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The first one has ten times the material but is only 1/3 of the price of the Prada.  I actually think the first one would look better on me.  It would probably look better on a lot of people.

Which bathing suit would you rather see on the following woman?  So I looked for a picture of a fat woman in a bikini and I actually didn’t have the nerve to post it.  It was so freakin’ gross.  So I’m posting the following:

fatbikini

I guess it all comes down to dressing appropriately. Here is an example of NOT dressing appropriately.  If this guy was dumb enough to wear a speedo he deserves to be on the internet. You have a speedo, a mullet, a beer gut and man boobs all in one shot. Jeebus, I hope he’s not a relative to any of you.

11731116_a84e3c56dc

I’ve gotten a little off track here going from dumbasses to dressing appropriately but  I guess if you don’t dress appropriately you are a dumbass which takes us back to all the dumbasses meeting at the beach.  Wow, did you see how I worked this? We went right in a circle and are back to where I started–dumbasses.  Isn’t the circle of life grande? Wow, I typed dumbass 12 times!!!!  I’m not making fun of fat people.  I am fat.  I just dress appropriately.

29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jen512
    May 14, 2009 @ 03:21:10

    I love you Joan. You should say the word dumbass as often as possible.

    That picture of the man in the speedo might be my uncle. Honestly I think if a man is really well built and has a perfect body then I can tolerate a speedo, not like, but tolerate. I could squint my eyes a little bit and pretend I’m looking at the statue of David, but a man that size around small children in public with barely is balls covered is obscene.

    Reply

  2. JavaQueen
    May 14, 2009 @ 05:08:58

    I have been fat in my life and am overweight still. I do cover up. I know someone who is wayyy larger than I and wears, like 1/2 shirts and I think, “Does she not see that her entire spare tire is hanging out for the world to see?” Doesn’t she feel the cold air on her belly? Or her ass for that matter? She’s wayyyy larger than I and yet wears clothes like 3x’s smaller. Do you think, that people like this pick out clothes smaller just to be able to say, “I wear a 1x” when really they should be wearing a 3x?

    Do you know what I mean? It’s not flattering to be squished into your outfit like a snausage! SNAUSAGE! Not flattering and cannot be comfortable either.

    I buy something, like a shirt, based on how far down it will go toward my knees to cover up that big lump of dough that hangs there blowing in the wind.

    Just sayn’!

    DUMBASSES.

    Reply

  3. Doraz
    May 14, 2009 @ 07:54:21

    Your post is waking me up!
    LOL
    I agree with a lot of your reasoning!
    You gotta love people!
    So entertaining, at times!
    How boring life would be if we were all the same!🙂

    Reply

  4. Little Miss
    May 14, 2009 @ 08:41:40

    There’s a reeeaaaally skinny lady at my nail salon who wore ill-fitting jeans the other day and when she bent over, you could see her butt crack. To me, that is just as gross. No one needs to be showing that off, no matter their size. Decency people. I’m not a prude. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t advocate high necklines and long skirts. But men are even more gross in tiny bathing suits. Just not attractive. And we all like to look and look AT attractive. Right?

    When I clicked on this post, I was thinking in my head the EXACT same line that Jen wrote. I love you Joan. You should say dumbass as often as possible. You are hilarious. You say what I’m often thinking.🙂

    Reply

  5. Joy
    May 14, 2009 @ 12:51:40

    Oh man, everything I was thinking in my head was GONE when I saw that man. OMG!!! ISH!!! You got that right, a speedo, a mullet, a beer gut and man boobs…he deserves a dumbass blue ribbon. You could have a ceremony!!

    By the way, I love the first bathing suit. I think it would be fun to have an old fashioned “beach party” and have everyone dress in that period. Wouldn’t that be fun??

    Great post Joan, as usual.

    Reply

  6. starlaschat
    May 14, 2009 @ 14:23:43

    Ah the internet, and now lots of people have cameras. The great thing is all the stupid things people did are now being filmed. Truly a great and amusing thing. Nice segway by the way bring it full circle. I actually grabbed a bikini off the rack carried it down two isles of the store looked down at and thought what am I thinking? I would not be caught dead in this thing let alone go out of the house. So I grabbed another one with more material. Much better! The husband was of no use, saying ya ya get it get it!! Bad idea.

    Reply

  7. birdpress
    May 14, 2009 @ 17:27:53

    I don’t want to be out in public in a bathing suit, let alone a bikini. But part of me admires people who just don’t care. I love the pic of that guy, LOL. He seems more like he just doesn’t KNOW.😉

    Reply

  8. Anja
    May 14, 2009 @ 18:37:10

    I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. That’s nearly as revolting as Borat’s ‘mankini’

    Reply

  9. writerchick
    May 14, 2009 @ 19:36:19

    Hey Joanie,
    Too bad you didn’t get to video speedo guy. That would have made one helluva good youtube vid. As to catching dumbasses, I think you just have to one of those motion activated vid cameras and keep vigilant watch. As you know they are everywhere. And really you should consider a reality show called dumbasses in motion or something. I’m sure NBC would pick it up in a heartbeat.

    Annie🙂

    Reply

  10. Care
    May 14, 2009 @ 20:31:26

    I love how you wrapped up this post with a beginning, and ending and a laugh-a-second middle and came full circle. Talent, you’ve got. OH YES! (how was Star Trek?!)

    Reply

  11. teeni
    May 15, 2009 @ 00:26:30

    I actually think the first outfit is really cute. I would so wear that if it looked as good on me as it does on that model. I’m thinking the vertical stripes would make me look taller and the umbrella would be for me to use on people who didn’t agree with me about such things. LOL. 🙂

    Reply

  12. javajunkee
    May 15, 2009 @ 21:32:15

    ROFLMFAO…ok first of all dudes first mistake was putting the speedo on…but is that a mullet??? That’s fashion disaster Number 2!!!

    Reply

  13. javajunkee
    May 15, 2009 @ 21:35:31

    LOL yes it’s a mullet you confirmed it but I was too busy looking to see you pointed out all the fashion flairs! Is that guy for real? YIKES! He’s got me screaming like a girl!

    Reply

  14. laura
    May 15, 2009 @ 22:27:56

    The mullet, the beer belly and the speedo in themselves are such turn ons but the chains around his neck really did it for me. I want him!!! And I bet he thinks every woman within sight wants him too! Oh you just wait until this summer, since you live in such a huge tourist trap you’re going to have so many dumbasses to take videos of, you’ll probably have to hire an editor. I’m looking forward to it.

    Reply

  15. thebeadden
    May 16, 2009 @ 12:07:11

    ewwwww, those speedos should be outlawed! I don’t even like them on a guy who has a killer bod.

    Sorry to have been such a stranger. Work has really slowed down and I get a little less chatty when I worry about work. I try to keep occupied with other things. I am even gaining some weight from not being as active. Gardening just doesn’t cut it.

    I hope that things are going well with you and your family.🙂

    Reply

  16. Wendy
    May 16, 2009 @ 12:43:40

    That Speedo guy looks like a murderer, somebody you’d see on 48-Hours or America’s Most-Wanted. I think there’s a statistic that mulleted Speedo wearers are killers.

    When I was a kid I used to see middle aged women with the old C-section scars (the vertical ones) wearing bathing suits like the Prada. But that trend seems to have shifted over to pregnant women. Now you see the preggos wearing suits like at the beach. I can’t say I blame them, really. I wish I’d had the nerve to wear one when I was pregnant. Even pregnant I would have looked better in a bikini than I do now!

    Reply

  17. Donald Mills
    May 16, 2009 @ 19:19:16

    Good on you Joan!

    A few years back there was a bit of a stir in my neck of the woods because a woman wanted the right to go topless in the summer (like men can). The gal was arrested and it became a big la dee da in the papers and courts.

    While I always admired her nerve and appreciated her gumption, I had to think she was approaching this whole issue from the wrong side. If she wanted equality, we all would have been better off if she’d been trying to get the law changed to make men put their SHIRTS BACK ON, not to allow women to take their’s off.

    Sorry for the lengthy story. Great post.

    Reply

  18. ms firefly
    May 17, 2009 @ 04:29:32

    this post is the ultimate perk-me-up! ^-^
    you got me laughing out loud, and the comment thread tops it all!

    Reply

  19. widdleshamrock
    May 17, 2009 @ 15:09:40

    lol.

    Yes agreed. Dress appropriately. I have not worn a bikini in well over 20 years.

    I don’t even like wearing togs, but do as I like to be in the pool with the kiddies.

    Reply

  20. thegirlfromtheghetto
    May 17, 2009 @ 16:05:56

    I am tired of dumbasses dressing their kids like adults. Example: Clothes for ten year olds that are what hoochi mamas are wearing. Yikes! I’m old fashioned and think a one piece is suitable for 5 – 12 years olds, as well as women over 40 who aren’t on reality tv shows and anyone who is bigger than a size ten. When you have muffin top, its time to lose the bikini. They make nice tent dresses (Those one pieces with a skirt) now for bathing and way too woman are not wearing them. Fleshy thighs are not what I want to see at the beach. Leave the sexy to the hot skinnies!

    Reply

  21. Gary
    May 19, 2009 @ 12:21:24

    WOW, what a GOOBER!

    What’s really funny is I’M SURE he thinks he is quite the ladies man! Dumbasses just scare the crap out of me!

    Reply

    • joanharvest
      May 19, 2009 @ 12:37:28

      I just can’t imagine any lady falling for him dressed like that. If he cut his hair and put clothes on he wouldn’t be half bad. I agree with you about the scary dumbasses.

      Reply

  22. mrsvierkant
    May 19, 2009 @ 22:28:38

    That speedo guy frightened me Joan. Now I may have nightmares. **shivers** LOL. 🙂

    Reply

  23. Tony
    May 20, 2009 @ 04:14:34

    He kinda looks like Richard Branson, the Virgin music/airline/mobile phone company guy. He probably wouldn’t look so bad without the mullet. But then again….
    BTW The 2nd picture is nice

    Reply

  24. Tony
    May 20, 2009 @ 04:15:19

    But then again, I’m just jealous because he’s got so much more hair than me!!!!

    Reply

  25. mrssnell
    May 24, 2009 @ 19:28:55

    “You have a speedo, a mullet, a beer gut and man boobs all in one shot. Jeebus, I hope he’s not a relative to any of you.”

    Oh man, Joan, that just begs a “That’s my brother.” response. ROFLMAO

    ..but the rest of the posts and these hysterically funny comments as well have me almost peeing my pants.

    Too funny!

    Reply

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