Tonight a piece of my heart was stolen.  I don’t know if I will ever get it back.  It was ripped out with such force. A force so strong it left me breathless.

I answered the telephone with apprehension knowing he was doing drugs again.  Knowing there was nothing I could do to help him.  Knowing my heart would break.

He said he needed money.  He said he would go to rehab tomorrow.  He said everything would be alright if he could get through tonight.  He said he loved me.

I said no.

I wanted to help him.

I finally did what I should have done years ago.

I told him how much I loved him.  I turned off my phone.

Tonight he has a piece of my heart.  I hope it helps him get through the night.

34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Little Miss
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 00:07:26

    Oh my god, Joan. I can’t even imagine how hard your heart must be hurting right now. I can’t even imagine how much strength it took for you to say no and turn off the phone. But trust in this – he has a god too. And I know you did the right – and loving – thing for him, as painful for you as it was. You are in my prayers tonight, as is he.


  2. thegirlfromtheghetto
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 00:10:50

    I am so sorry Joan. I just feel for you.


  3. 3boys1mommy
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 01:13:37

    Oh Joanie, I’m so so sorry to hear this. I know it’s hard for you to believe it, but you did the right thing. Trust that people are good and that he will be okay.


  4. Hannah
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 01:58:00

    Oh, Joan. I feel like my heart is breaking a little bit, for you. You have done the right thing – you REALLY have. Gosh, I know nothing about how hard it must have been to do, but it has to be the best decision for Damon, in the big scheme of things.
    Sending big (((Hugs))) your way, because I know you need them right now.


  5. sheng
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 07:04:26

    Joanie, I am sorry about this, but Damon has a mind of his own, I just hope he uses it properly as time goes on, I hope he realizes how much you love him and that it breaks your heart to see him doing things that break him. Have faith in God, He will get you through it.


  6. birdpress
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 07:18:39

    So sorry to hear this. Your poor heart. 😦


  7. Diane
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 07:52:15

    I’m so sorry, Joan. The only answer was, “Go to rehab now, not tomorrow, now.” It is so hard to wander the country and not find a firm place to put your foot, and have your mind fogged so you don’t know how to look for that. Hopefully the right rehab center will be placed in front of him, not a short term one, and he will hang onto that until this demon leaves him. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.


  8. trishatruly
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 08:50:25

    No one understands how hard it is to do what you just did except for someone who’s been through it.
    My thoughts are with you, dear sweet Joan, and I am praying that your son finds his answers and his strengths soon.
    I’m sending you love and prayers.


  9. lupusranting
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 09:16:59

    So sorry! I don’t know what else to say but my prayers are with you and your son.


  10. CuriousC
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 09:29:06

    Loads of hugs, my dear.


  11. maddyejames
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 10:15:31

    Your strength and fortitude astounds me. It takes extreme courage as a mother to do what you did, and I admire you for it. I hope that your heart has peace today.


  12. Just a Mom
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 10:29:13

    My prayers go out to you and to Damon. Know in your heart that you did the right thing.


  13. Joy
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 11:56:00

    I’m so sorry Joan. All the others express my feelings as well. You at some point have to give him the ball and tell him things are up to him. You just can’t keep going through this all the time. It’s got to stop and if this is what you have to do, then it’s time. I’m so sorry you are going through this Joan.


  14. widdleshamrock
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 14:43:21

    Hugs Joan. It is heartbreaking.

    My brother is a recovering addict and I had to come to a place where I was prepared for the fact that on that destructive path, he would one day die. It was hell on earth.

    You did the right thing.


  15. Peter Parkour
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 15:29:36

    My heart goes out to your Joan, as do a number of tears. 😥 Similar dramas are playing out in my neck of the woods as well. Tough love is the way to go. I just wish I could get everyone else here to realize that. You’re doing the right thing, but I’m very sorry you even have to make such choices. I love you, Joan. Extra big hugs from me.


  16. teeni
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 15:30:55

    Oh, man. Joan, I’m sorry I’m late to hear this. I would give anything for you not to have to feel this pain. But unfortunately, I think you did exactly what you had to do, even though it hurts.

    I give you so much credit for reaching deep inside yourself and loving him enough to think of the long term and not just putting a band-aid on a wound he has that won’t heal until HE can find the strength for himself. I am proud to know you and my admiration for you and the love you have for your children grows all the more. He’s always in my prayers, too.


  17. Sandra
    Feb 09, 2009 @ 17:35:55

    As much as it breaks your heart, you DID do the right think xxx


  18. javajunkee
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 09:04:33

    oh Joanie!!! ((( hugs))) to you. That had to be really hard. I too think it was something you had to do and hopefully this will be the push that he needs to seek some help.

    we’re here for you!


  19. Bianca
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 13:17:43

    I am VERY proud of you.


  20. Emerald
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 14:12:34

    Joan, I’m so sorry, but of course you know you did the right thing! My good thoughts and karma to you and yours.


  21. thebeadden
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 18:25:32

    I don’t know what to say. 😦
    I’m sorry. I can imagine how hard that must have been for you. I’m just so sorry, Joan. ((((hugs))))


  22. The Vinyl Villager
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 19:31:10

    oh joan…I dont even know what to say…
    except that there are a lot of folks who care about you guys, and it will be ok….

    big big big hugs to you.


  23. mrsvierkant
    Feb 10, 2009 @ 20:50:46

    (((Joan))) You can have a little piece of my heart tonight. My thoughts are with you and your son.


  24. joann
    Feb 11, 2009 @ 22:01:20

    First of all.. Give me 5 !! You did good !! I’ve been through a similar situation with my son,and I hated hearing that phone ring in the middle of the night, my guts KNEW who it would be and what hell he was bringing with him !
    Those calls always left me nauseous and feeling helpless .
    You KNOW you did the right thing. All of us here,are just are giving you VALIDATION ,which is what you need at this time . Hell, we ALL need validation at one time or another! It’s very important !
    I’m validating your response to this situation and I’ll be sending you thoughts of inner strength and peace which is what YOU need right now . Don’t worry girl, I got cha back !


  25. jeanny
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 09:00:37

    Oh Joan…I’m speechless.

    Wish I was there to hug you…..


  26. laura
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 10:11:09

    I have no idea how you found the strength to say no. It was the only ‘right’ thing you could do but it still had to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I don’t think I could ever be that strong.


  27. Romi
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 10:48:58

    That must have been one of the hardest things to do, but taking this stand might also help him take a stand to change things in his life…you are a wonderful mother, and I know he knows that!



  28. odette
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 13:16:46

    {{{hugs}}} joan, he knows you meant it to help him.
    i hope he makes a go for a clean start. just pray, it’s something beyond your control already. one thing for sure, a mother’s love will help carry him through. stay strong!


  29. croneandbearit
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 21:28:54

    I can’t imagine how hard that was – you did the right thing – you did the only thing you could do that will help him. I’m praying for you sweetie and I send you tons of hugs. You are one strong woman.


  30. JavaQueen
    Feb 13, 2009 @ 02:43:18

    I hope I never, ever have to go through this and am so sorry that you are. My sister cld me tonight sobbing because her son (my fav nephew) has been addicted to rx meds. He had a seizure yesterday from trying to quit the rx meds. He had another one in the hospital overnight. It’s so frustrating when someone is hurting and there is nothing you can do.

    I know it was hard for you to not give him the money but you did the right thing. You cannot do anything to help because the only one that can help himself is Damon. But, you cannot enable them either. It’s such a frustrating situation! I have no words except to say I’m sorry you are having to go through this Joanie! I’m sure that piece of your heart will help him. He has to know how much you love him…. I love you too!


  31. Lucy
    Feb 16, 2009 @ 20:20:44

    I was reading a different blog post of yours (about the mouse living in your car – it just happened to me!) and then saw this entry. It made my heart wrench for you and what you are having to go through. Know that you did the right thing and only he can make the choices he needs to move forward.


  32. Hay
    Feb 16, 2009 @ 23:39:23

    Oh Joan. Oh no. Oh no. But Oh YES! You were strong, for him. You gave him what he needed when he didn’t even know what that was. HUGS.


  33. Red
    Feb 17, 2009 @ 15:24:31

    You’re a strong Woman. You did the right thing . . I can only hope and pray that he does the right thing, as well.


  34. David
    Feb 18, 2009 @ 19:40:55

    You’ve gotten some great advice and empathy in these comments Joan! Add my thoughts and prayers to this incense. 🙂 Some of us guys take an awful long time to grow up.


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