True Confessions of a Human Dumbass–Part II

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OK, We’ve all decided I’m only human but geez, I still make some dumbass mistakes. And I have the nerve to get a hold of a camcorder to video people doing dumbass stuff.  I wonder who is taking videos of me?  I need binoculars.

My neighbors might be videotaping me at this very moment.  I sit in the picture window and there aren’t any curtains.  The whole world could be watching me. There may already be YouTubes  up of me doing dumbass stuff.  Yikes!! OK, a little too paranoid here.

OMG,  I forgot to tell you,  Sarah’s car was broken into on Monday night.  After bringing all the groceries in the house we forgot to lock the car.  The one freakin’ night we don’t lock it they get in and steal her Sirius Radio worth about $270.

THIS IS WHAT’S LEFT OF THE RADIO.

The stupid dumbasses didn’t even steal her $300 pair of sunglasses.  Yes, she has a sunglasses addiction.

Now here is my theory.  I went to bed at 1:30 AM and couldn’t sleep and got up about 2:30 AM to get on the computer in the living room.  I turned on the light and I wonder if I scared them away.  They even left the loose change in the car (about $10 worth)  and instead of unplugging the radio from the cigarette lighter they just ripped the wire like they were in a mad hurry.

So I went to the police station on Tuesday morning to report it and a woman walks in to report her two cars were also broken into and she lives right around the corner from me.  She said she never locks her cars.  I bet she will now.

I thought of a few more confessions I need to get off my chest which is actually getting smaller.  So before it disappears altogether I should make my confessions now.

My first confession is I didn’t post a Weight Watchers Saturday update this week because Weight Watchers Saturday sort of sucked.  I only lost .2 pounds.  That’s point 2 not to be confused with 2.  I know I shouldn’t let it bother me.  I did lose something but I was on a roll having lost 3.5 one week and then 4 the next week.  WTF happened?  I eat the same damn food every week except for the possibility that I ate too many FF Pringles.

“Olean® allows snack manufacturers to make great tasting, low calorie, zero fat savory snacks – an excellent alternative to full-fat snacks. A diet high in fat and calories can contribute to obesity, increased risk of heart disease and an increased risk of certain kinds of cancers. By reducing calories and fat from the diet and adopting a healthy lifestyle, people can lessen their chances of having to battle the pains of obesity, heart disease and cancer. Benefits of Olean brand Olestra
Olean contributes zero total fat, zero saturated fat, and zero trans fat and as a result can assist individuals trying to eliminate fat, calories and trans fat from their diets by offering unique health and taste benefits. As millions of consumers have found, Olean snacks are a great tasting option when looking to manage calories and fat. Both Pringles Light and Frito-Lay Light products contain Olean.”



What they neglect to say is that if you eat too much Olean you get diarrhea.  They also neglect to say that you’re never going to look like that woman in their photo and they also neglect to say that if you eat three boxes of FF Pringles in the dark in one week you aren’t going to lose weight. So I have decided to stop eating FF Pringles because I have no control over them.  I already ate two boxes this week so I don’t think I’m going to have a good WW Saturday this week either.

My only other confession I will make today, because this post is already getting too long,  is when Sarah was about 4 or 5 months old I dropped her on her head.

She was in her high chair but I had forgotten to strap her in. I turned around for one second and then I heard the clunk and she’s on the floor crying.  I was convinced she would be brain damaged.  It actually must have done her some good because she turned out so smart but it scared the hell out of me at the time.

Well, I have to go make a crockpot of “Rosemary Cashew Chicken”.  I hope all my good cooking makes up for locking Sarah in a running car and dropping her on her head.

22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. eatingthrough
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 12:05:55

    It’s possible that any food eaten in the dark has double the calories of the same food eaten in the light of day.

    Ha! Ha! I think you’re right on with that thought. No more eating in the dark for me and no more Pringles.

    Reply

  2. Just a Mom
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 12:27:54

    You know what they say, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!” It’s funny how kids survive from all the things life seems to throw at them. Or should I say drop on them! 🙂

    I’m surprised my kids ever survived me. One thing though, we always had a great time. I never would have needed Supernanny. My kids were always pretty good kids. We did everything together. I’m glad I was able to be a stay at home mom.

    Reply

  3. c
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 13:21:55

    Oh, Nonies,
    you need to know that no one here is going to judge your weight loss like that. .2 is still a loss and i am proud of you! i’m also proud that you were able to pinpoint where you could’ve done better and are planning to do so.

    What i remember about olean/olestra was the term anal leakage. Watch out for that shit. 😀

    You know, baby bones are soft for a reason, though i totally understand the horror you must’ve felt when you realized she fell. Once when Reneé was five, i was teaching her how to make pancakes. She was standing on a chair and i was standing next to her, explaining how bubbles mean it’s time to flip. Then we waited for the bubbles.

    She flipped the pancake and i noticed a red, shiny crescent on her little arm. It was a burn. A bad burn. She had been resting her arm on the rim of the pan! Needless to say, she was not allowed to make pancakes for about 8 more years.

    i also dropped my baby sister once. My mom really let me have it, too. She claimed i did it on purpose because i didn’t feel like keeping an eye on her. i felt horrible and every time we get together- my ma and sisters- this story comes up. i always argue my point. My baby sister was basically my first child. Anyway, sorry for all the run-on. i should do a post about that though because it still makes me mad that they think i did it on purpose!

    “What i remember about olean/olestra was the term anal leakage. Watch out for that shit.” Too funny. I think I have finally learned my lesson. Hopefully!!

    You should do a post about dropping your baby sister and get it out of your system. I can understand how you feel when you know yourself you didn’t do it purposefully and everyone thinks you did. That’s a terrible feeling.

    I think with the weight loss thing I judge myself too severely. But I did learn- no more Pringles.

    Reply

  4. teeni
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 13:22:48

    Aw, that stinks that someone broke into the car and got away with the radio. I hope they are caught and punished. Oh yeah, I’d definitely stay away from that O’lean stuff if you can. you might actually be better off having the regular kind (but nevermind, not if you know you don’t have the willpower to resist). Good for you for knowing your own weaknesses and dealing with them. You go, girl! Every parent makes mistakes with their kids. I don’t think you’ve done badly at all – Sarah turned out great and your son turned out great too – he’s just battling with the consequences of his own decisions now and you can’t be responsible for that. I would love the recipe for that rosemary cashew chicken – it sounds heavenly. And I have some rosemary growing on my windowsill right now! 🙂

    I tend to stay up late at night but I am going to leave the light off from now on and my eye on the street. I swear if I see them I will go out and give them a good caning.

    Damon arrived in Anchorage , Alaska yesterday with his girlfriend. They are going to stay a couple of weeks. They have no place to live when they get back so I don’t know where they will go. They have a tent and sleeping bags and a few clothes. They didn’t realize it would be so cold. I told him to go to a Good Will container and go through it and find a coat. They hardly have any money but that’s the choice they made. He is a good guy though. His heart is always in the right place.

    I’m going to post a blog with the recipe for Salmon Salad and the Rosemary Cashew Chicken tomorrow for everyone. I always use fresh Rosemary. I have some growing too along with Basil, Tarragon and Thyme.

    Reply

  5. laura
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 15:06:15

    That olean/olestra stuff literally scares the shit out of me (no pun intended!)! I love to eat and I love potato chips but I don’t buy them or I’ll eat them (duh!), I also quit buying bread for the very same reason; I have no will power. Maybe you should take up babysitting, imagine all the calories you could burn bending over and picking up dropped babies all day!
    (That was a joke.)

    It’s funny you should mention the babysitting. A friend of my daughter’s is pregnant and lives just a couple of houses up and she was telling me about a dream she had about me and part of her dream included her not being able to get diapers on her baby so I offered my services to come and stay with her when the baby is born. I could come and stay for a couple of hours if she needed a nap or I could cook for them, whatever they needed. The Dad is 30 and I’ve known him since he was in high school and he has been calling me Ma ever since. Hopefully I wouldn’t drop their baby on it’s head. 🙂

    Reply

  6. 2lazydogs
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 16:13:00

    Oh, that stinks about Sarah’s radio. You can pretty much assume the theif was some dumbass man seeing as they didn’t swipe the $300 sunglasses!

    I almost let my daughter roll off of her changing table once. I was holding on to her, let go for a brief second to grab a wipe and before I knew it she was rolling right off the side…eek. The only thing I could grab quick enough were her legs. So, there she was dangling upside down, her head a few inches from the floor. Oy. I was so upset about that from then on I strapped her to the damn thing each time.

    The Rosemary Cashew Chicken sounds delightful. Can’t wait for the recipe!

    If it was a woman thief she would have gotten the sunglasses for sure.

    At least you caught her. I strapped my kids into everything after my mishap with the high chair. I remember once thinking I should buy a leash for my son.

    Reply

  7. birdpress
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 16:30:08

    Man, that really sucks about the radio. Those dumbasses! I wouldn’t worry about the weight loss thing; your body is just catching up. You still seem to be doing well and you looked good in the video! Pringles are the devil though, fat free or not. Did you know that they are only something like 42% potato?

    I never looked at the ingredients for Pringles because I knew they would be bad and I didn’t want to stop eating them. Talk about denial. But I have finally faced my demon Pringles and will eat them no more.

    Reply

  8. Red
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:10:08

    oh yes. . . anal leakage for sure!! yikes!!!

    that sucks about the radio . .i guess the good thing is that they didnt get the whole car?

    My daughter rarely loses her temper but she did when she found her Sirius Radio was missing. I can’t imagine what she would have done if the whole car was gone.

    Reply

  9. Red
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:11:05

    oh, confession here.
    the only thing i’ve eaten today is two cupcakes.
    and they were yummy.
    chocolate.
    fluffy frosting.
    i wont eat any tomorrow .. . maybe cuz i finished them off today *sigh*

    Too funny!! I’ll bet they were yummy. I had strawberry shortcake last night and the whole thing was only 1 WW point. I found some angel food cake at the grocery store which was only 1 point for a good size slice. Strawberries have 0 points and FF Cool Whip has 0 points for 4 TBLS. Not a bad deal.

    Reply

  10. javajunkee
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:30:12

    Ok I’ve not confessed before now but I feel I should. I pulled 2 dumbass trophy moments in the same day when my rd was younger. It was her first day of preschool and I had her all decked out in her dress (which I had to hog tie to get on her)…and ponytails (which required 3 extra sets of hands to put in)…damn it she was going to look like a sweet little girl if I had to get hurt doing it.
    So I pull up to the preschool ..put her up against the wall and bribe her to smile for the prized preschool photo..walked her in only to find out her first day wasn’t until the NEXT DAY! The princess in a dress was plenty pissed off. Ponytail was yanked out in a second. THEN to top it off we had an old beater station wagon…I put her in as she was I think swearing at me in a different language…I buckled her up and proceeded to get the hell out of there knowing I would be crowned worst mother of the year trying to drop her kid off on the wrong day. The door of the backseat flew open as I was leaving the preschool. She was buckled and went nowhere but I pulled over as the other good moms who knew what day their kid went to school watched in horror as I got out and made sure she was ok in there…(still speaking in tongues at me)…and I just looked at them all and said..”That’s what happens when you have to drive damn beater cars”. (which I’m sure made them all happy that my daughter would not be joining their angels in class..nor would I be with them on mothers day doings. Poor people the next day. The next day ..rd went to school with her hair messed up and a pair of jeans and a tee shirt on. I still had the prized preschool picture and have told her just to pretend that was the “real” day.
    So there you go …2 dumbass awards in the same outing for me!

    “.I put her in as she was I think swearing at me in a different language…(still speaking in tongues at me)..” I almost fell off my chair laughing when I read that. That was a great story. At least you got the photo out of it.

    Reply

  11. Hannah
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:56:44

    Sorry about Sarah’s car being broken into – that sucks!
    Do you want to share your recipe for the Rosemary Cashew Chicken – it sounds great!!

    When Ethan was 4 months old, he fell of the changing table onto our wooden floor. I had turned around for a few seconds to get a clean diaper, and he rolled over. It was the first time he’d rolled over! I felt awful, I cried for about half an hour. Took him to the doctor, and he was fine. But I felt sick for days!

    I’m putting the recipe on my blog today. I cried every time I did one of my dumb Mom moves. Wouldn’t you know he’d roll over for the first time on the changing table. He couldn’t just do it on the floor. Well, at least he wasn’t hurt.

    Reply

  12. Hay
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:19:17

    I remember falling asleep with Madi on me in the wee hours (she never slept), and then waking up with her crying and lying on the floor. Opps!

    Opps! Madi’s on the floor. Sounds like something I would do. Well, I’m just glad I wasn’t the only one having their kids end up on the floor. It seems like there are a lot of us and somehow our kids survive.

    Reply

  13. shornsheep
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 19:04:46

    That really sucks about Sarah’s car being broken into and the radio thingy being stolen. Sounds like you must have disturbed them if that is all they took.

    Nup! You will NEVER convince me that you are a dumbass. Never!

    I’m on the lookout now for these bad buggers. I am armed with my video camera and cane. I may not BE a dumbass but I have made some classic dumbass moves but I’m slowly finding out I’m not the only one. Thank Goodness.

    Reply

  14. odette
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 19:47:52

    first, i love that picture of you in your bathing suit, i am jealous. 🙂 i will never look as good as you did, ever!

    too bad for the lost radio, but then again, better that’s the only thing they got away with.

    love the mommy-moments too, and in the comments section. i can learn from you all!

    Well, I will never look like that again either. But I’ve seen how cute you are. I can see why KJ loves you–not just for the outside but also for what’s on the inside, a heart of gold.

    Yes, I’m sure you learned some good lessons about being a mommy from this post. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM!!

    Reply

  15. writerchick
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 21:03:29

    Hey Joanie,
    Thats a bummer about Sarah’s radio, I wonder if they are pros – maybe they left their fingerprints behind and you can video tape them being busted? That would make good dumbass video, eh?

    I second that on the ff chips – they make you pay and the price ain’t pretty. I’d rather take my chances with the real deal.

    Dinner sounds extra yummy tonight, room for one more

    Annie

    Our house is always open to you, my friend. Dinner was yummy. I was able to pack two dinners from it and give them to Sarah to take to the island when she stays over. She can freeze them and nuke them–a healthy TV dinner. No more chips for me. Oh, and I am armed with my camera and cane if those bad buggers come back.

    Reply

  16. kaylee
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 22:14:33

    AWE HOW ARE YOU?

    I’m doing fine, Kaylee. Sounds like you are doing better too.

    Reply

  17. dropofkim
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 23:23:13

    .2 is still a loss! YAY! How maddening that people steal. My daughter and I lost an X-box before to some thieves that came in and took it from our apt while we were gone. MADDENING. Watch out for the sugar free chocolate. I don’t know what’s in it, but you are guaranteed to never overdo it again. Terrible.

    I think having thieves in your house is even worse than having them steal from you car. My house has been robbed a few times. They mostly took my son’s stuff because I am sure it was people he knew. I did lose a few DVDs once but that’s all. They also made sure not to let my indoor cats out.

    I’ve had that chocolate when I tried the Atkins diet. It contains Manitol or sorbitol. Both will give you intestinal problems big time.

    Reply

  18. mrsvierkant
    Jul 23, 2008 @ 23:45:17

    Hang in there with the WW. Scales can be very frustrating. Olean is definitely something to stay away from.
    That’s too bad that Sarah’s car got broken into. Hopefully the culprits will get caught.
    LOL about the neighbors watching your dumbass moments.
    Can’t wait to see the recipes. I’m always looking for new ones.

    I’m posting the recipes today. I will definitely hang in with WW. I could never have been this successful without them. Well, I am watching for those culprits and I will video them in the act if I see them and then give them a good caning.

    Reply

  19. javajunkee
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 08:25:11

    yeah I’d like the recipe for that chicken too please 🙂

    Chicken recipe on the way.

    Reply

  20. CuriousC
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 08:52:47

    You must write your Dumbass Book! I would like to apply to be your tour manager when we visit throughout the land for you to meet your darling readers (and prob a lot of dumbasses.)

    I take dumbass notes everyday now. I would love to have you as my tour manager. We would have a blast doing the Oprah show, Today show, Letterman and Leno and whatever other shows we could get on. I won’t do the Maury Povitch show. I already know who the father of my children is.

    Reply

  21. Wendy
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 15:08:10

    My friend Theresa and I call Olean chips “Diarrhea Chips.” We believe that’s how you lose the weight.

    I’m pretty sure I’ve dropped all my infants at one time or another, but the most memorable to me was when I was carelessly tossing Max onto my shoulder to burp him. I misgaged my strength and the distance and he went FLYING. Fortunatey I was standing near my waterbed and he went flying over my head and onto the bed. But still. He’ll be 22 next month and, so far, he seems to be okay. 🙂

    I don’t mean to laugh at poor Max flying out of your arms but I can just imagine what that must have looked like. I think Sarah landing on her head made her smarter. I should have dumped Damon on his head too. Maybe I’ll just go bang my head a few times into the wall.

    I’m done with Olean forever.

    Reply

  22. Peter Parkour
    Jul 26, 2008 @ 21:57:49

    It’s a good thing you went out to the computer when you did or it might have been the whole car, or at least the change and sunglasses too. That really sucks.

    A personal rule of mine you might want to share with Sarah is always lock the doors, and don’t leave anything in sight, including loose change. For some folks loose change enough excuse to break a window. You don’t want to tempt the scum. 😐

    Oh, and by the way, “I dropped Sarah on her head as a baby” was conveniently tossed in there at the very end, just like this part of my comment. You’re lucky kids are made like Rubbermaid. 😛 Shit happens, Joan. We live and we learn. 😉

    Thank goodness kids are made of Rubbermaid, otherwise I would have no kids. Shit does happen, Peter, and thank goodness we learn from it or at least some of us do. I don’t think she will ever leave her car doors unlocked again. Last night I watched her lock her car doors three times.

    Reply

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