Adventures At the Mall- Filled with, Action, Adventure, Horror and Guidance

My daughter called me this afternoon because she was coming home on an early boat. Her store had lost electricity. She told me she was going to the Mall and asked if I wanted to go with her. Of course I jumped at the chance to get out of the house.

She came home and picked me up and off we went to the Mall, about a 1/2 hour drive. We got there around 7:00PM. What we had both forgotten because neither one of us had been to a Mall on a Friday night in a while was that it was filled with Mallrats. You know who they are. You might even have a couple at home.

Mallrats are those kids between the ages of 13-17 who inhabit Malls all over America on Friday nights. They don’t shop, because they have no money. They just take up space and make a lot of noise. The girls giggle and the boys try to look cool and they all just run back and forth. I kept thinking of them as Mall Zombies.  I noticed that all the girl rats and all the boy rats looked the same. If you lined them all up I bet their parents wouldn’t be able to find their own kids. The Mall was also filled with security people. They must have extra ones on duty on Friday nights because they don’t even have that many at Christmas. I think if you took all the rats out, there wouldn’t have been many people there. Adults probably know better than to go to the Mall on a Friday night.

Poor Sarah was trying to push me in the wheel chair through these crowds of Mallrats. It’s hard enough for her to push me in the first place and the rats didn’t make it any easier. I had my CANE with me. Big mistake. We were trying to get through a jam of people and a person had his back to us and wouldn’t move. I instantly had my cane up and was going for his legs but thank goodness Sarah stopped the wheel chair before I could reach him. I was actually going to cane him without even realizing what I was doing. It wasn’t even a rat. It was just some older man who didn’t realize we were behind him trying to get through. Sarah, nicely, said excuse me and of course he kindly moved and let us through. I was horrified that I was actually going to whack him without even thinking.

Sarah bought some clothes and by 9:00PM we were starving. Eating out on a Friday night, the day before Saturday weight watchers was scary for me but I thought I could handle it. While I had waited for her in a couple of stores I got bored and started talking to sales ladies about weight watchers. I was even giving out recipes. A customer came up to me in one of the stores to tell me how much she enjoyed listening in on our conversation. I was stoked. I knew I could handle the restaurant. I also think two of the ladies I talked to were going to join weight watchers.

WE went to the restaurant called “Not Your Average Joe’s”.

We got a table and right away I had to go to the ladies room. There was one woman in there. I heard her turn on the water and I heard her get a paper towel from the towel machine and leave. I went to wash my hands and realized there was a faucet and no knobs to turn on the water and thank goodness I also remembered they had sensors now and all I had to do was put my hands under the faucet and you get water. I don’t go out much as you can tell. Then I went to the paper towel dispenser and it said it had a sensor too with a picture on it of a hand waving in front of it.


Well, I started waving my hands. Now I knew it worked because I heard the last lady use it but it wasn’t working for me. I waved my hands every which way and was very thankful I was alone in there. My hands were waving everywhere. I was mouthing off at the thing. I couldn’t get that freakin’ thing to work no matter how much waving I did. By the time I gave up my hands were dry from waving them around.

I went back to the table and I’m laughing at myself and trying to tell Sarah what happened in the bathroom. I don’t have my glasses on and there is a diet soda just waiting for me so I put the straw to my mouth only I suck half the paper the straw was in almost down my throat. Then I make the mistake and say “Fuck” a little too loudly. Now the two of us are laughing way too loudly. The waitress comes over so we can place our order and of course I have to tell her I’m on weight watcher’s so here I go again. She gets really interested when Sarah tells her she went from a size 10 to a size 2 in four months.

Finally after a lengthy discussion about which dinner would have less fat I decide on a Salmon dinner:

“• balsamic glazed salmon a not your average joe’s favorite…grilled and brushed with our balsamic glaze, served with pineapple salsa, jasmine rice pilaf and grilled asparagus.”

I cut and pasted the above from their website. Do you notice the mistake in punctuation. Well, maybe they can’t punctuate properly but the dinner was good.

After all is said and done, we had a good time. Sarah bought three pairs of pants and two tops for work and I got to use a public bathroom and NOT learn how to dry my hands.

Who knew so much could happen at the Mall.


17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Javaqueen
    May 17, 2008 @ 05:32:37

    I have panic attacks in the mall. Fo real! I HATE the mall. My hubby is a MALLRAT, he feels right at home there with the twins. All winter long, they went there for “something to do”. I got roped into going one time, I got hot all of a sudden and started squawking about, “I want to go home, I’m hot!” – – I don’t think they’ll ever invite me along again 🙂

    I didn’t know Sarah lost all that weight too. Look at you two, the dynamic duo! Shoot, is it in the water over there? I need to get me some of that!

    Joan, have a lovely weekend! I’m really happy for both you and Sarah for kicking some lifestyle changing a$$!!!


  2. Hannah
    May 17, 2008 @ 07:19:20

    That is too funny about drying your hands! I think sometimes technology is too advanced for the majority of us 😉
    Dinner sounds nice (minus the bad punctuation). Glad you enjoyed it.


  3. birdpress
    May 17, 2008 @ 09:00:18

    I saw you popping up in other blogs I read so I followed a link. 😉 This story was hilarious! Recently I was in a tiny gas station restroom and I stood up and the toilet flushed really loudly and that air machine thing went on at the same time and then the faucet got going… Craziness! I appreciate not having to touch these things, but all this automatic stuff is a little overboard. And then, inevitably, the door will have a grimy, germ-ridden handle you have to turn.

    Hey, is that you in that pic over on the left there with the flag?


  4. Red
    May 17, 2008 @ 09:38:18

    hahah, I laughed at the hand drying, too. I hate those things!
    Hope you have a wonderful weekend, Joan!


  5. Laura
    May 17, 2008 @ 10:04:53

    Eww, the mall. I haven’t been in years. I’m not kidding. It sounds like another planet now with the faucet thing-a-ma-jiggies and the paper towel dispenser thingy. I’d feel like ET if I went there, I’m sure.
    Happy Weekend!


  6. joanharvest
    May 17, 2008 @ 11:48:38

    @ Javaqueen

    I used to get panic attacks years ago. Debilitating ones that even landed me in the hospital. I definitely think Malls can bring on panic attacks.
    When I started weight watchers, Sarah decide since i was going to be doing all the cooking she might as well do it too. She didn’t attend meetings but she counted her points and did it online. She’s maintained her weight for about 8 months. She looks gorgeous.

    @ Hannah

    The drying thing was annoying while it was happening but as soon as I walked out the door I was laughing to myself and knew it was at least good for a blog.


    I know who your mom is. Trish, right? It sounds like you two get along well like my daughter and I do.
    I agree with you it’s nice not to have to touch stuff because I am somewhat germaphobic. I carry three kinds of antibacterial products in my pocketbook and I sanitize shopping carts. But that hand dryer thingy really got to me. I was going to whack it with my cane but I’m whacking too many things lately. Gotta get control of my cane whacking.

    Yes, that’s me in the flag. I was about 20 years old which would make that photo almost 39 years old. I was a flower child of the 60’s or at least I aspired to be. I played guitar, went to concerts, got married at 20. My husband at the time (who is my wasband now and living with me and my daughter and her hubby) was in the National guard, trying to avoid the Viet Nam war. He was away at basic training and I had some photos taken to send to him. I didn’t want him to forget me and he never did. We are still best friends even after being divorced for 20 years.

    Thanks for stopping by and I’ll be visiting you soon.

    @ Red

    I don’t go to the mall often so the hand drying experience was all new to me. You have a good weekend too.


    It is another planet. Those Mallrat children all looked like aliens to me and when the bathroom is too high tech for me to figure out I think it’s best I stay away from malls. Happy weekend to you too.


  7. writerchick
    May 17, 2008 @ 15:31:06

    OHmiGod, the caning thing had me rolling. And then the waving hands. For somebody who doesn’t get out much, you sure have fun when you do. 😉


  8. joanharvest
    May 17, 2008 @ 16:53:55


    After going through a severe depression a year ago, I am now having fun wherever I can find it. The smallest things make me laugh. Now I’m looking for a cane that has a sword tucked into it. My daughter thinks that is a bad idea. She might be right.


  9. birdpress
    May 17, 2008 @ 20:38:55

    I used to work in a knife shop and we could order those canes with the swords on them! If you have a knife store in your area you might ask. 🙂 The cane whacking thing cracked me up! And yeah, I get along great with my mom. Sounds like you have the same kind of attitude as we do when we get together. I love that you can be silly in public without getting embarrassed! My mom and I used to have fun embarrassing my sister in public. 😆


  10. joanharvest
    May 17, 2008 @ 21:11:53


    I am so happy I have met both you and your mom. My daughter and I have always been extremely close. When she was a teenager and had a choice of hanging out with me on a Saturday or her friends, she would usually pick me. We love to shop and of course she knew if she hung out with me she would always get some kind of prize. But I know that even if she didn’t get a prize she would have hung out with me anyway because we always had so much fun. On Friday nights when she was in high school we would have movie night here and about 10 kids would come over-no drugs, no alcohol, lots of snacks and good movies and me. The kids would go downstairs in her room (which was the basement but finished) and watch the movie but one by one they would come upstairs to the living room where I was and start telling me all their girl or boy problems. By the end of the movie they were all in my living room. They all called me MOM and still do 15 years later. I still get invited to all their parties, only now they are all grown up, pushing 30 and still calling me MOM. I am fortunate to still have them all in my life. The really funny part is, when she got a boyfriend he knew he had to get MOM approval or he was out but my daughter has good sense and always picked out the best, especially her husband. He is the most loyal, honest, true man I know. And he must have a lot of patience to put up with the both of us.

    I think it’s funny that your mom and you would embarrass your sister. I don’t think we have any knife store that I know of and Massachusetts is one of 4 states that these companies online can’t legally ship to.
    I’ll have to get to Rhode Island to buy one. It’s not too far. And I promise I will use it wisely. No random stabbings. Actually no stabbings at all. I just think it would be cool.


  11. Peter Parkour
    May 18, 2008 @ 13:44:09

    I actually like the idea of the automatic paper towel dispenser in theory, but in reality I too have fallen victim to its evil ways. Nine times out of ten you end up coming in contact with it in order to make it work, which totally defeats the purpose. I found your experience very entertaining. 😛


  12. thegirlfromtheghetto
    May 18, 2008 @ 23:14:34

    My god I was a mall rat for years … at least there’s hope, right?


  13. joanharvest
    May 19, 2008 @ 11:48:48

    @ Peter
    In theory it’s a great idea. But I had never even seen one before. I’m hoping the batteries were dead and it wasn’t because I was too stupid to figure it out. Well, if I have to touch anything when I’m out in the world I carry around with me, anti bacterial wipes and two kinds of anti bacterial spray that you spray on you hands and rub products. Not too paranoid, am I?

    @ thegirlfromthe ghetto
    Yes, there is hope for all of them. Look how good you turned out.


  14. fightingwindmills
    May 23, 2008 @ 15:21:56

    LOL Joan! I love that you said, “FUCK!” to the straw paper. That sounds like something I would do. 🙂 Thanks for making me laugh.


  15. joanharvest
    May 23, 2008 @ 23:16:05


    Thanks for stopping by.
    Well, I tend to say Fuck at a lot of things but never at people. I taught my kids that too. I told them if you’re going to swear you can swear at things but don’t ever swear in anger at people or in front of your grandparents.


  16. mrsvierkant
    May 26, 2008 @ 10:06:53

    WriterChick sent me your way. Very, Very, Funny! Love the mall…

    Thanks for the giggle.


  17. joanharvest
    May 26, 2008 @ 10:51:06

    @ Mrsvierkant

    Thanks for stopping by and I’m happy you got a giggle out of my mall visit. I don’t know if I’ll be going back to the mall anytime soon. Way too stressful and I didn’t even buy anything. The dinner was good though.


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