I was just over at Lucky’s blog and she was writing about one of her friends who had to have hip surgery and for a while she has had to use a wheel chair, walker and cane. It got me thinking about my own use of these items.
I use my canes for so much more than walking.
1. Weapon— One of my canes, the one made out of sassafras wood has a heavy gold handle. If I hit you on the head with it you would be out like a light. I don’t carry a pocketbook but you can see it in my eyes–come near me and I will pound you.
2. Reaching tool– When I am at the grocery store and there are no good looking men to reach stuff for me on the top shelf (actually I will let anyone reach stuff for me. It makes them feel good. They can go home and tell their friends, “By the way I helped a poor cripple woman today at the grocery store.”) Ha! If they only knew me. Anyway, when there is no one around I use my cane. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work. I can usually knock down what I want and catch it but sometimes I take other stuff down with it, which of course I can’t put back. Though I haven’t broken anything yet.
3. Poker– It’s a good way to get people’s attention. Just poke them (ever so slightly, so as not to offend, unless it’s my wasband and I have to poke him hard to get his attention). I actually poked him the other day. I was aiming for his stomach because we were discussing how he has gained 15 pounds since he moved in here 9 months ago. I was mystified how that happened. I cook Weight Watchers for goodness sake. How could he gain weight. That’s when he confessed about stopping off at the little store at the end of the street and buying snacks three times a day. Well I missed his stomach and I poked him by mistake and hit his privates. So you really have to be careful with your aim if you are going to poke people with a cane.
4. Door opener– I don’t actually use the cane to open doors but everyone opens doors for someone with a cane unless they want to get poked. And I have poked people in the ass with my cane ‘by mistake” if they are rude and slam a door on me.
5. Handicap parking– I get to use handicapped spots legally and give out tickets to those who use them illegally. This is my favorite thing to do when I grocery shop or go to Walmart (which is very rarely). I always take a slow drive around the parking lot looking for lazy asses who can walk and run but are too lazy and use up handicapped spots so people who really need them have no place to park.
6. To make a point or get a word in edgewise– When I bang my cane on the floor, people know it’s time to listen–TO ME.
7. Kitty scatterer–Sometimes I think my three cats are trying to kill me. When I come out of my room in the morning or the middle of the night (which is worse because it’s dark and they are black and I can’t see them in the dark hallway) they try to trip me up. I swear they do it purposefully so they can watch me fall. That’s where the cane comes in handy. I don’t hit them with it. God forbid, I love my kitties, but I do use the cane to get them to scatter out of my way so I don’t trip on them. I do not want to break my ass again. I’m sure the cat’s thought it was funny when I fell, they were all watching. But one broken ass is enough.
8. Accessory– I hate old lady canes that you buy at the medical supply places. A cane can be beautiful. I love my cane with the sun, moon and stars on it. I love all my canes. I want more canes so I can color co-ordinate. I want a can with a dragon handle.
9.My cane gives me strength– It gives me the strength to do what I have to do to walk again. Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Tom Petty–“I Won’t back Down” The video follows the lyrics.
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
10. My canes make me happy because I know that one day they will just be decorations on my wall.
Next week I will discuss other uses for wheelchairs and grocery cripple carts. And we all know this includes drag racing.