Rock Salt, Tiki Torch Fuel, and Kitty Litter–What Could They Have in Common

Well, I’m going to tell you all about last night’s gathering of these materials. And guess who was the star of the show, guess who could manage to get all three of these products together, guess who caused a chemical spill into the ground near our side door? None other than my wasband.

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I think I will finally start calling him by his name. I guess he is officially part of the family since he’s been here 7 months now and it doesn’t look like he has plans to go anywhere else.

My daughter and her hubby went out to dinner last night and she noticed the side steps were slippery with ice. So she asked her father to please put down some rock salt. She’s always concerned that I am going to fall and break my ass again. And to tell you the truth, I really don’t want to do that again. It’s about 90% better and If it happened again I think I would have ass removal surgery.

Anyway, Barry proceeds to take our rock salt outside. I am in my room and I hear him come back in the house and he says “I’ve done something really bad out there. It really smells too.” Oh my God, I’m thinking he’s shit his pants. What else could smell really bad out there. He’s had some stomach upset lately. I’m also thinking, I ain’t cleaning it up, pal. NOOO WAY!!!! We’re not married anymore and I don’t have to clean up your shit.

Well, fortunately for both of us, that’s not what happened. He put the rock salt on the railing, it proceeded to fall to the ground hitting a gallon plastic container of tiki torch fuel which proceeded to break.

Evidently, tiki torch fuel reeks. The smell is getting into the house and Barry is panicking. “What are the kids gonna say?” he asks me. “I’ve polluted the ground.” I’m just sitting there thankful it’s not shit leaking out of his pants. I do his laundry.

I suggest he put kitty litter on the ground where we now have a chemical spill. He actually for once in his life agrees with me. So now we have rock salt, tiki torch fuel and kitty litter all mixed up together by the side door. Of course the kids don’t know this yet. At one point we start trying to come up with a story of how it happened so Barry won’t be blamed for it. I came up with the idea that a coyote and a raccoon got in a fight near the tiki torch fuel and broke the container. He didn’t think the kids would fall for it. He was probably right.

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I lit incense and some smelly candle, apple spice I think. The mixture of the incense, candle and tiki torch fuel was hideous.

Then we both went to bed. Lord knows what the kids thought when they got home. But there are footprints all over the kitchen floor so they must have walked right through it. You got some splainin to do Lucy.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Wendy
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 16:09:24

    OMG this is so HILARIOUS. I love this: “Oh my God, I’m thinking he’s shit his pants.” I would have thought that, too. And the idea of the two parents trying to come up with a lie about the mess they’ve made is just LOL. And OH … the coyote and raccoon fight made me laugh so loud, Buck came running into the room demanding to know what was so funny. He thought I was watching The Soup without him.

    Reply

  2. moonbeammcqueen
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 18:05:47

    This made me laugh out loud too. I think I’d draw the line at cleaning my ex’s shitty pants too. And it’s hilarious that the roles have reversed in your house. “Young man, just wait til your daughter gets home.”

    Is there really an operation for an ass removal? Do they do partials?

    Reply

  3. David
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 21:32:18

    I lawled too!! 🙂 My wife is working on the NYT crossword and is looking at me funny. I don’t think I could explain this to her. So the whole bag of rock salt fell on the tiki torch and broke it? Damn that’s bad all right. Worse than shitting oneself. I think anyway.

    And I know you didn’t ask for any suggestions, but here’s one that I’m surprised Barry didn’t come up with- light the whole thing on fire!

    Reply

  4. joanharvest
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 23:22:25

    @ David
    I think Barry was so nervous about what had happened he was afraid the house would catch on fire ,which is why I told my daughter what happened in the morning. Her hubby smokes and I was afraid he would go outside and throw a cigarette into the already chemical mix. He is not allowed to smoke in the house. We could only picture the house going up in flames. We didn’t know what chemical reaction these three compounds would have on each other.

    Reply

  5. joanharvest
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 23:44:38

    @ WENDY AND MOONBEAM

    This is the way it really happened. No exaggeration on my part. I don’t know if you can have your tailbone removed but if I fall on it again it’s gone.

    The rubbish closet still smells because Barry at first tried to wipe it up with paper towels. We put the rubbish bag outside but the smell permeated the closet.

    The kids took it well as I knew they would. Though there are still footprints all over the kitchen floor. I know am not cleaning it up. I guess it will be a waiting game. I am sure my daughter will end up cleaning the kitchen floor.

    Reply

  6. CuriousC
    Feb 25, 2008 @ 08:53:22

    I was sure this story would involve fire of some sort… And the waiting game on cleaning issues can get out of hand! Good luck.

    Reply

  7. joanharvest
    Feb 25, 2008 @ 11:10:08

    @CuriousC
    Well, if anyone lites a match or throws a lit cigarette near the area, it might just involve fire.

    Reply

  8. Lucky
    Feb 26, 2008 @ 11:19:36

    That is HYSTERICAL! 🙂

    (I DIED laughing when you thought he shit his pants!)

    Reply

  9. romi41
    Feb 28, 2008 @ 22:18:03

    Hahahaha…I could almost smell that hideous combination over the Internet, but still, I’m glad it wasn’t a shitting incident instead 😉

    Reply

  10. David
    Mar 01, 2008 @ 18:09:34

    Yeah I meant to say that I’m glad it wasn’t a shitting incident too! ICK. And also glad that there was no fire. Another disaster averted!

    Reply

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