How to Burn A Large Round Kitchen Table in Your Fireplace in One Piece

I wouldn’t recommend this at home– Could be dangerous. Living with my husband when we were married was like living with “The Wildboyz”.


Remember that show on MTV, the one with those two guys who did absolutely stupid things. Steve O and Chris somebody were the stars. They traveled around the world mostly doing stupid stunts with animals. My husband didn’t do stupid things with animals. He just did stupid things. Well, actually there is the story about trying to electrocute the squirrel, which I will tell at another time.

I had gone out for a couple of hours one evening to visit my sister. As I drove back home and pulled down my street, it looked like my living room was on fire. Flames were shooting out of the chimney.


No sign of the fire department. I was afraid my husband and kids were trapped in the house. I had to save them. This was before cell phones. I peeled into the driveway and ran out of the car towards the house.

I ran in the door, I could feel the intense heat of the fire. I ran into the living room, sweat already dripping down my face from the heat. I could not believe what I saw. There’s my husband sitting in front of the fireplace with half of the kitchen table in the fireplace and the other half sticking out about two feet. The fire is so intense and is spreading toward the part of the table that is sticking out. The bricks of the fireplace are glowing. I look at the thermometer in the room and it is over 100 degrees. I didn’t even know what to say. I was speechless for one of the few times in my life.

He looks at me and says “I think this fire is getting a little out of control.” Duh!!! I ran in the kitchen and started filling up pans of water and started throwing water in the fireplace but all it would do was boil off immediately. You could hear the bricks sizzle as the water hit them. But I didn’t give up. I finally got the fire out. Then we started thinking about the floor underneath the bricks. Could the bricks have gotten so hot that a fire could start in the floor and spread down into the cellar? We didn’t know. But the thought panics my husband and he gets his ax and runs to the basement and starts hacking at the basement ceiling underneath the fireplace. Of course, there is no fire there, only a new hole in the basement ceiling. a really big hole.

I went back up stairs and poured some more water on the bricks and they still were steaming the water off. It took quite a lot of water to cool the bricks down. Finally, when the water started puddling a little I stopped and my husband had the job of cleaning up the wet gooey ashes and throwing the half burned table outside. It took hours to cool down the living room. It was winter and even with the windows open, the room was hot for a long time.

Moral of the story, don’t burn furniture in your fireplace unless you cut it into pieces first. To this day I don’t know what he was thinking (if anything) when he did it. He is so much like our son. Act first, think later.

barry-firplace.jpgThe fireplace this Christmas with a controlled fire in it. A rather large controlled fire, but at least the fire is where it should be–in the fireplace.

another-self-portrait.jpgAnother of the wasband’s self portraits from New year’s Eve.


18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 08, 2008 @ 19:34:59

    I’m going to have to start wearing Depends or something when I read your blog, Joan. This was HILARIOUS, although it made me have flashbacks to my marriage.


  2. joanharvest
    Jan 08, 2008 @ 20:03:33

    The part that’s weird is there is not one exaggeration in any of my stories. I’m not a writer, have never written anything before. I just write what I remember in my head. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast but I sure can remember some of the strange stuff that has happened around me.


  3. leafprobably
    Jan 08, 2008 @ 20:41:04

    Sure it’s a big fireplace, but I’m not quite sure if I can believe he managed to put a table in there. I’m also not sure I can believe he actually set it alight… It sounds a lot like something one of my flatmates would do if he could I guess!


  4. Wendy
    Jan 08, 2008 @ 21:06:39

    Wow. Jeezus. That was lucky. My dad did a similar thing once, when he stuck our Christmas tree in the fireplace. It was long after Christmas and the tree was dry as, well, dead wood. It burst into horrific flames that licked the ceiling. My mother was screaming and screaming. It was awful.


  5. joanharvest
    Jan 08, 2008 @ 22:10:57

    What is it with men and fire? Damon was a little pyromaniac when he was young. He and a friend almost set Falmouth Harbor on fire when he was 11 years old. I’ll have to tell that story. It’s a good one. Damon and his father were arguing on Christmas morning about who should burn all the wrapping paper in the fireplace. Damon won.


  6. joanharvest
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 02:10:02

    I agree it sounds improbable but it really happened. He had taken the legs off. The table was bout 3-4 feet in diameter. Some of the other things he’s done are highly suspect but again, he did them.


  7. Wendy
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 02:16:11

    I can totally see him putting a table in the fireplace. All men do this fire/danger shit. They’re all psychopaths, to a certain degree, and fire is all part of it. I’m sorry, but it’s true. But to balance the scale I’ll also admit that all women like to shop. There. I said it.


  8. Wendy
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 02:19:00

    Also, notice how in this recent photograph he’s the only one sitting directly in front of the flames, ready to throw the next piece of wood on any second now, even though it doesn’t really need it? In the male world, he’s staked out his territory.


  9. David
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 07:44:36




  10. joanharvest
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 11:52:32

    They say man discovered fire and from what I’ve seen they still just can’t leave it alone. It’s usually the man that barbecues and it’s only because there’s fire involved. I can’t put you in the same category though, because you are definitely cool!! You bake bread. MMMMM
    My son and wasband have never once cooked anything in the house, EVER, but they both will barbecue.


  11. joanharvest
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 12:01:07

    Yea , well I shopped myself into such credit card debt a few years ago, it was horrible. And now I see my poor daughter following in my footsteps. She just can’t buy a pocketbook, she’s got to buy a Coach one. But now she’s working with her father and he is trying to help her get out of credit card debt. Though she just booked a trip to Vegas for her and her husband to celebrate his birthday. She also has to go to Florida twice in the next few months for work. Those trips will be paid for but she has to buy all new summer clothes because she lost so much weight. And you know she won’t be shopping at WalMart.


  12. CuriousC
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 20:03:11

    OMG. funny, funny. and abt the shopping? I bought a leather coat today at Ocean State! for $20!! it’s cute, too, really. (I don’t need another purple leather coat… I already had one; now I have two)


  13. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 09, 2008 @ 20:14:49

    It’ll go perfect with that purple hair, Curious C.


  14. romi41
    Jan 10, 2008 @ 23:41:58

    “I think this fire is getting a little out of control”…hahaha….that’s the best line!

    I must say, you have seen a lot haven’t you? 😉


  15. Trackback: OOPS!! He Did It Again! Fire & Ticks!! « Whatever I think
  16. teeni
    Jun 06, 2008 @ 13:38:05

    Wow! A little out of control? Yeah, ya think? LOL. The wasband’s new nickname is “Plays with Fire.”


  17. joanharvest
    Jun 06, 2008 @ 23:02:10

    @ teeni

    That’s the perfect nickname for him and our son too. It runs in the family.


  18. javaqueen
    Jun 07, 2008 @ 03:01:35

    Holy hell, I would have freaked out! You probably saved the day Joan! Good thing you came back when you did 😉


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