The Amishman Rated PG 13

First of all, when I refer to Barry as my husband it means we were married at the time of the event. When I refer to him as my wasband we were divorced. This is just a strange little story that happened before the kids were born.

We were married for ten years before we had children. We met at 19 and got married at 20. We used to go on a lot of vacations and this time we decided to go see the Amish countryside in Pennsylvania.

We arrived in the town of Intercourse which is the main tourist town in Amish country. The local Amish also shop there. We stopped at a small grocery store to get snacks. The following is a photo of the actual store.

There were some horse and buggies parked in front of the store. At the time I used to love horses and rode a lot when I was younger. Some of my friends had horses. One particular horse was having trouble with his bit and I helped her out just as the old Amish man was coming towards us.

He looked just like the above picture.

He was friendly (Oh Lord, did he turn out to be friendly). We started a conversation. I asked him where in town could we get a buggy ride. He said “Come to my farm at sundown and I will give you a ride”. So we said we would and he gave us directions.

My husband and I weren’t exactly sure about what he meant when he said sundown. Is that before or after the sun sets? Or just as it is setting. So we got there early and parked up the road trying to decide exactly when we should pull in the driveway.

This is what the farm looked like. These people weren’t poor.

We were young and I was very shy and naive at this time in my life. Oh, how I have changed. This happened about 37 years ago.

Anyway, we finally thought we had the time right and we pulled into the long dirt driveway. Out of the back door came our Amish man. He had the buggy all ready. The thing is, it was made for two people. Mr. Amish man got in, grabbed my arm and hauled me up onto his lap (I was very thin at the time) and Barry got in next to him.

Me, in my younger days.

I thought to myself, this is OK, he’s an old man, my husband is sitting right next to me and off we went. He took us all through the corn fields and it was beautiful. UNTIL- I felt something poking at me coming from his lap and it wasn’t a hammer or a screwdriver. At least not the kind of a screwdriver I wished it was. How can I put this delicately-he had a boner. Being as shy as I was, I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing and the old man got a free lap dance. Well, not exactly a dance because I wasn’t dancing, though the buggy ride was very bumpy.

When we got back to his house, he invited us in for milk and dessert. Of course, my husband said yes. He was so excited to be invited into a real Amish person’s house. I was just hoping there wasn’t going to be anymore old Amish men in there. I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell Barry about the boner incident.

We walked into a big kitchen and two women and some children were at the kitchen table making preserves.

I thanked God they were there. The younger woman’s husband was there also. The rest of the evening turned out well. My husband and the men talked a lot and the two women didn’t say a word and neither did I.

They served us milk which was raw- right out of the cow- and tasted awful, but I choked it down. I didn’t want to seem rude. Barry had a lot of questions about the Amish way of life which the men answered amicably. It would have been a perfect evening if not for the boner thing.

We ended up staying a couple of hours and then we finally left. I wasn’t in the car a second before I started telling Barry what happened. He kept saying I must have imagined it. He couldn’t possibly believe an Amish man would do that. Hell, he probably did it all the time. Of course Barry did end up believing me because he knew I wouldn’t make it up. We actually ended up laughing so hard about the whole thing he had to pull over. We were making terrible jokes about it

Oh, this reminds me of another story about horses and a tipsy VW bug.