The Amishman Rated PG 13

First of all, when I refer to Barry as my husband it means we were married at the time of the event. When I refer to him as my wasband we were divorced. This is just a strange little story that happened before the kids were born.

We were married for ten years before we had children. We met at 19 and got married at 20. We used to go on a lot of vacations and this time we decided to go see the Amish countryside in Pennsylvania.

We arrived in the town of Intercourse which is the main tourist town in Amish country. The local Amish also shop there. We stopped at a small grocery store to get snacks. The following is a photo of the actual store.

zimmermans.gif

There were some horse and buggies parked in front of the store. At the time I used to love horses and rode a lot when I was younger. Some of my friends had horses. One particular horse was having trouble with his bit and I helped her out just as the old Amish man was coming towards us.

amishfarmer1.jpg

He looked just like the above picture.

He was friendly (Oh Lord, did he turn out to be friendly). We started a conversation. I asked him where in town could we get a buggy ride. He said “Come to my farm at sundown and I will give you a ride”. So we said we would and he gave us directions.

My husband and I weren’t exactly sure about what he meant when he said sundown. Is that before or after the sun sets? Or just as it is setting. So we got there early and parked up the road trying to decide exactly when we should pull in the driveway.

amish_farm1.jpgThis is what the farm looked like. These people weren’t poor.

We were young and I was very shy and naive at this time in my life. Oh, how I have changed. This happened about 37 years ago.

Anyway, we finally thought we had the time right and we pulled into the long dirt driveway. Out of the back door came our Amish man. He had the buggy all ready. The thing is, it was made for two people. Mr. Amish man got in, grabbed my arm and hauled me up onto his lap (I was very thin at the time) and Barry got in next to him.

mom-26-years-old.jpgMe, in my younger days.

I thought to myself, this is OK, he’s an old man, my husband is sitting right next to me and off we went. He took us all through the corn fields and it was beautiful. UNTIL- I felt something poking at me coming from his lap and it wasn’t a hammer or a screwdriver. At least not the kind of a screwdriver I wished it was. How can I put this delicately-he had a boner. Being as shy as I was, I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing and the old man got a free lap dance. Well, not exactly a dance because I wasn’t dancing, though the buggy ride was very bumpy.

When we got back to his house, he invited us in for milk and dessert. Of course, my husband said yes. He was so excited to be invited into a real Amish person’s house. I was just hoping there wasn’t going to be anymore old Amish men in there. I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell Barry about the boner incident.

We walked into a big kitchen and two women and some children were at the kitchen table making preserves.

kitchen-amish.jpg

I thanked God they were there. The younger woman’s husband was there also. The rest of the evening turned out well. My husband and the men talked a lot and the two women didn’t say a word and neither did I.

They served us milk which was raw- right out of the cow- and tasted awful, but I choked it down. I didn’t want to seem rude. Barry had a lot of questions about the Amish way of life which the men answered amicably. It would have been a perfect evening if not for the boner thing.

We ended up staying a couple of hours and then we finally left. I wasn’t in the car a second before I started telling Barry what happened. He kept saying I must have imagined it. He couldn’t possibly believe an Amish man would do that. Hell, he probably did it all the time. Of course Barry did end up believing me because he knew I wouldn’t make it up. We actually ended up laughing so hard about the whole thing he had to pull over. We were making terrible jokes about it

amishterr.jpg

Oh, this reminds me of another story about horses and a tipsy VW bug.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Little Miss
    Jan 23, 2008 @ 15:41:09

    ” It would have been a perfect evening if not for the boner thing.”

    That should have been your post title. ROFLMAO.

    Reply

  2. Wendy
    Jan 23, 2008 @ 19:20:54

    This is what had me ROFLMAO: “How can I put this delicately-he had a boner.”

    How hilarious and awful at the same time. And isn’t it just like a man to not believe you at first? It’s like when David P. and I were teenagers drinking at this bum lounge in Bourne, and an old guy came and sat with us and was buying us drinks. Well, you know David’s hair. It was like that back then, too, but he didn’t have a beard or mustache. It took me about 15 minutes before I got David to believe me that the old man was so drunk, he thought we were both girls! The guy thought he was sitting with two young chicks.

    You were so adorable! You still are, but you look like a baby in that photo, I love it. And Sarah looks so much like you, it’s eery. I love eery resemblances like that.

    Reply

  3. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 23, 2008 @ 19:33:23

    Hilarious. I remember how, at that age, pervs just came out of the woodwork!
    Maybe he said, “Amish buggery ride.”

    And Wendy’s right- you were adorable!

    Reply

  4. Trackback: Pervs « Pssst! Over Here!
  5. CuriousC
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 06:39:39

    the BEST stories! the best… this is hilarious. I’m glad you can laugh at it. omg… (still laughing) Amish buggery ride… Do you think the womenfolk KNEW?! They HAD to! omg

    Reply

  6. CuriousC
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 13:17:47

    Happy Belly Laugh Day!

    Reply

  7. joanharvest
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 14:39:54

    CuriousC-

    I’ve had a few belly laughs today. My wasband has a cold. You would think he was dying. I had to leave the house and call my daughter I was laughing so hard. WHINE, WHINE, WHINE. He even started limping??????????

    Reply

  8. romi41
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 16:24:36

    Hahahaha….laughing my ass off at work….”at least not the kind of screwdriver I was hoping for”…hahaha…this is AMAZING!

    Wow…Amish and boners, who knew? ;-)

    PS: I like you’re picture; quite the looker! ;-)

    Reply

  9. Wendy
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 20:30:09

    @ Curious C – Oh yeah, I fogot about that part, the poor women probably did know! How gross, to have this old Amish pervert under your roof. And under your skirt.

    Reply

  10. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 24, 2008 @ 22:20:32

    @ C: Your husband’s limping from a COLD??? LOL!!!!!

    Reply

  11. joanharvest
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 00:12:56

    @ MBMQ

    No, It’s my wasband who has the cold and is limping. He exaggerates everything and our son takes after him. I can hear him in his bedroom now groaning. Men are such babies. But now we’re divorced and I can just ignore him. It’s so cool to do that. I don’t have to pretend I care. Cause I didn’t care even when we were married. It’s a cold for God’s sake. We all get them.

    Reply

  12. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 01:05:12

    Ooops! See? I’m just all befuddled these days. Men can be really hilarious when they’re sick. I don’t mind, but they seem to be awful when it comes to babying us when we’re sick! I’m stereotyping, I know. This has just been my experience. It must feel nice to ignore it.

    Reply

  13. CuriousC
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 09:41:44

    Joan, I’m very impressed and admire you greatly for laughing at the wasband for whining and not slapping him. You have the best attitude! Don’t get angry, just make fun, right?

    Reply

  14. joanharvest
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 11:10:34

    @MBMQ
    Men are all the same when they are sick, they are wusses and when women are sick we still have to cook and shop and we get no pity from men. I’d love to meet one that isn’t like that.

    Actually, now that I think about it my son-in-law never complains when he is sick. He doesn’t even tell anyone. My daughter gets a lot of really bad headaches, so bad, that she has an appointment with a neurologist. She is going to have acupuncture next week and saw a chiropractor yesterday. Her own DR. just has not been able to help her. She even has an eye Dr. appointment. She’s trying to cover all her bases. I had to take her to the emergency room in the middle of the night once, it got so bad. When she gets them he treats her like a little princess.

    @CuriousC
    Well yesterday, it was either laugh at him or poke a stick in both my ears so I could go to the emergency room and spend my time there, hopefully coming home with cotton stuffed in my ears so I’d have an excuse not to hear him. The idea was, that he’d get sick of hearing me say “WHAT” all the time. But then I didn’t think my insurance would cover self mutilation. So I have chosen to ignore him and laugh at him with my daughter behind his back.

    Reply

  15. moonbeammcqueen
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 17:08:28

    Joan, please let me know what your daughter finds out about the headaches. My son’s gone through the same thing, and I’d love for him to figure out a cure.

    By the way, I made a paste of peanut butter and brown sugar last night, and ate it with a spoon (I was out of margarine). It was delicious, and I’m just furious at you and Barbara for introducing me to it! ;)

    Reply

  16. joanharvest
    Jan 25, 2008 @ 17:17:05

    Actually, we are both furious at Barbara, because she didn’t tell me either. I figure with the weight watchers thing she didn’t want to make me jealous. She was telling me she is thinking of adding chocolate chips to it. Maybe if you nuked it for just 10 seconds until the chips just started to melt?

    I will definitely let you know. She gets them two or three times a week now. Sometimes even more often and the severity of them changes.

    Reply

  17. mrsvierkant
    Jun 04, 2008 @ 09:22:45

    OMG… I’m soooo ROFLMBO… I’ve got tears of laughter running down my face.

    I linked here from from your Assawoman post.

    We’ve got Amish living in our area, and now I’ll never look at a buggy (or an old Amish man) the same way again. **giggle**

    Reply

  18. joanharvest
    Jun 04, 2008 @ 09:44:00

    @mrsvierkant
    I’ve never been to Amish country since but if I did go back I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that happening again. I’m just glad I warned my daughter, just in case. “No buggy rides for her”.

    Reply

  19. Ishmael
    May 30, 2012 @ 20:06:15

    I am Amish..I can tell thee that as an Amishman, there be nothing better than the straight peepee; we are taught from an early age to use it, and use it often. If thou hast a limb in thine drawers, it matters not if it be a woman, a pig, a sheep, or a hole in a fence. Use it. Use it or the Lord will Rajeev it from thee..After all, what else do we have?..It’s not like we are going to churn butter all day, or pick apples or shovel manure from the barn..We need something…Anything…I once stuck my John Thomas in a hole in a tree.I knew not it to be filled with hornets, and the swelling made it impossible to pull it out once it was in there.. The Elders had to hew the tree , and the swelling became lifelong.. They counted over 100 stings..Now, if I need to hammer a nail to mend a fence, I do not tarry; I do not walk back to the barn for a hammer. I pull out my Johnson, and do the deed…I use it for everything. I am an Amishman.

    Reply

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